Snippets of a Panda's life story

Pointless talking to me on the phone?

Wow. that hurt.

You obiviously have no fucking idea why i even bothered to call.

I. Merely wanted to hear your voice. Because i missed you. 

You. on the other hand, found it pointless

So much for missing me?

You said you missed me. 

But really?

What have you done to prove it?

To show how much you missed me?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

I video call you everyday because i thought that you really missed me.

But turns out, you rather go on and do your stuff than video call. 

Seriously.

And you apologized for being snappy. then, you snap at me again.

So. are you apologizing for the sake of apologizing? 

wow.

Okay. so you're asking me to get over it and change now?

lol. take a look at yourself.

YOU. get over them yourself first before commenting about me please.

Apparently i pushed you to the limits.

Hey you know what? you pushed me way over mine.

I snapped.

broke down.

cried.

felt like dying.

heart got crushed.

and the list continues...

change.

this is just absurd.

you have no idea how much i've changed.

just for you.

you on the other hand?

refuse to do anything.

so stop it already.

lol. or do you want my life before you stop?

maybe she was right. maybe they were right.

i gave in too much.

it's my fault from the beginning then.

oh yea. good news.

I have to stay back in school everyday next week

which means i won't be appearing anywhere near you anytime soon

and the following week mon, tues and wed are all school holidays

that means i won't be bugging you either haha

at least until another free monday lol.

Yesterday's history. Today's a misery. Tomorrow's a mystery.

Is returning to the past what you really want so badly?

Is relieving your memories what you truly wish for?

If so I will stay away from you.

I will not interfere in your life.

I won't stop you from pursuing your true happiness.

I won't stand in your way anymore.

Since there isn't a space for me in your life.

I will leave for good then

I told you to make up your mind.

If you don't then I will for you 

And so I get on facebook and I see that friendship.

I said put it behind didn't I..

I said to forget about that shit.

Are you doing this on purpose?

Rubbing salt into my wounds?

Do you enjoy seeing me so hurt and depressed?

If not.. then why the hell are you doing this?!

I thought I made myself clear enough...

I have had enough of him you know?

Seriously.

I am fucking annoyed.

To the extent that I feel like taking a knife and killing him.

Infront of you that is.

So that you can forget about that piece of shit.

Do you want that?

Do I have to do that?

Don't make things even harder than they already are please...

It won't help us at all.

Don't drive me any further thanks.

I love you. So pleaseee?

Whatever happened to sharing your thoughts and feelings with me?

In the past you used to confide in me. 

But now? If you'd only confide in your friends then i'm afraid that I'd choose to just be your friend.

At least, I get entitled to so much more priviledges.

At least, you have more time for me.

At least, you show that you care more.

Guess I'm not as important as your other friends.

Guess I don't mean much at all.

You obiviously don't understand how affected I am by the things that you say or do at all.

And to think that I had made it so clear to you...

You don't trust me still. 

So tell me, you expect to know everything about me when you are hiding things and keeping them to yourself?

No way that's going to happen dear.

If you do it, I'll just shut the worl dout too

simple as that

looks like you really need to experience being shut out for yourself before you will understand how I feel.

Whatever happened to your promise about telling me everything?

Remember I said that I wouldn't speak if you broke it? 

I won't speak much now

how will my heart ever be pieced back together lol.

I really give up.

I tried so hard to get to know you better.

But you keep shutting yourself in.

You are blocking me out.

Don't say you are not because you definitely are.

If so, don't complain that no one understands you.

Here I am desperately trying to find out more about you so that I can understand you better, but you wouldn't help me out at all.

 Each time I get a little deeper, you set up another barrier to keep me out.

Seriously.

What's the point of keeping me by your side then?

If you are not going to let me in, why not let me out?

What exactly do you want?!

Make yourself clear.

I am tired of being ignored whenever I ask you questions.

I can't keep trying.

I will stop trying.

Now.

Blame me if you want.

Don't waste your time on me anymore.

Go find the person that you'd let into your heart and mind.

So much for letting me have your heart.

So much for being in love with me.

Is that all that you'd do for this love we sahre?

Is this all that we're worth to you?

Today, you lied again.

Because of him.. I don't understand..

Why are you doing this?

You were hurt so much last year because of him alone.. 

Why let him in again? 

You know honestly I think you might not have gotten over him at all..

What does that make me? A substitute? Or just a toy?

Were you just messing with me when you said  you wanted me to stay forever?

Were you toying with these worthless and pitiful feelings of mine?

When you first admitted you weren't over it, you regretted not fighting back, you. Sliced my heart into halves with just those words.

That feeling of regret yiu still have. Is he really that special?

Am I really not comparable to him at all? Am I that pathetic?

Am I born to be taken for granted by every single person in the world?

When is it that someone will realize that I too am human?

That I too have feelings. Have emotions?

I'm clueless. 

What do you want?

Are you sure you still want me? Or are you doing this on purpose to hurt me?

I hope you didn't. 

I gave you everything that I ever could.

Everything I had. All of my love. Care. Concern. Affection.

I gave you all my trust. Must you destroy all of it and deliver that fatal blow to my weak heart?

I gave you my remaining life.

Are you that keen on finishing it off?

Nothing I say goes into you.

Don't know what else to do..

It hurts. But it hurts even more to let go.

I.. trusted you so much so much.. and this is how i get repayed?

Guess karma does exist afterall..

I. Destroyed all of my parent's trust in me. And I'll never ever get it back anymore..

Now, you're doing exactly what I did to them to me..

I loved you. With all of my heart's capacity. 

With all of my life..

Sorry I have to make you make a choice..

I just don't know how much longer can I survive..

I'm afraid that I'll die soon..

A least if I do die, I wanted to know if I was loved by anyone at all..

If anyone would ever shed a tear if my existence was earased from the world..

I'm scared of being alone..

Not after having had you once upon a time..

My dear... honestly, i'm very sorry.. I know I'm being, so very demanding but.. I can't help but feel neglected.. I don't know why? but it just feels like you've been pushing me away.. It feels.. like you really don't need me at all.. If so, what's the point of me being here..? If I really was needed, surely I wouldn't be so taken for granted would I..? Surely I wouldn't feel as though we're drifting further and further apart.. It's been 6 months.. 6 months since we started.. is this really as far as we can go?

It just feels so unfair. I think you should really look at how you treat your friends and compare it with how I'm being treated.. You say you don't text when you're eating? Then why is it.. that you text when we eat together? You want time with your friends. Time that you can spend talking to them and them alone. Where's my time alone with you? How often do I get interrupted and cut off when I try to reach out to you? Even when we're together physically, how often is it that you'd reach to your phone and text? This just ain't fair.. if you're going to treat me like this, then I'd honestly prefer to be a friend. Just a friend. At least then, I'd get some time alone with you. I did warn you.. I did tell you how I might act.. you said you were fine with it. Look at what's happening now?

Did you really already got bored of me?.. I know that I'm definitely not an interesting person to be with but still.. I don't know how else to explain to myself why I'm getting this sort of a treatment from you..

Reconnect with your old friends? Seriously.. If you ever do get hurt again. I WILL FUCKING KILL MYSELF. Do you have any freaking idea how hurt I was?! Please just stop it. why. WHY are you trying to get yourself hurt so much? Are you trying to drive me to the edge? Are you trying to kill me? It hurts my dear. It does. It fucking hurts in fact. Having to cope with one fs was enough. then came a darryl. from out of nowhere m came out. all within 6 months. Do you really miss your memories with your friends that much? If so, then go back to them then. It's not like my feelings or opinions matter. It's not like I actually exist. Well at least that's how I feel like right now.

I'm sorry I tried so hard to please you. Sorry I prioritized you above everything. Including myself. Sorry I ain't good enough. Sorry I ain't perfect. I never was. I ain't normal anyways. I tried so hard in this lifetime trying. and trying to please people. No one. No one ever was satisfied. I was never. ever good enough to meet their expectations. Not my parents. Not my teachers. Not my friends. I wonder where did all my friends disappear to. lol. 

Tell me. what should I do to make you realize how much you mean to me? what must I do to make you seen how important you are? what must I do to make you know how much I need you? Wake up dear. Please wake up. Stop going backwards to the past.. please.. just. let go of it. Unless, you really want me to leave. I mean.. do you know how much it hurts? To be in a relationship with someone, and that someone refuses to let go of her ex?! DO YOU KNOW HOW HURT I WAS WHEN I FOUND OUT YOU WEREN'T OVER IT? HOW HURT I WAS. WHEN YOU SAID YOU REGRETTED NOT FIGHTING BACK? I gave you my heart. you crushed it. I trusted you and you destroyed it. Please. stop lying. stop lying to yourself first. Then. stop lying to me. Otherwise, I think I might not ever speak again. Don't worry though. I ain't just going to ignore you. I'll not speak to the whole world at all  Better still, I'll just die  the past.. what has happened, already happened for a reason. so move on. learn from your mistakes but don't regret. There is no point in regretting now is there? Because, if you still do regret, then go fight for it now then.. go back and find him. Oh and, sorry I'm not as good as him. Not even a suitable replacement. Can't even let you forget about them.. Guess that really just shows how much I matter to you..

Well.. off to cry again on my own.. guess I really ain't a guy. At least, I don't act like one... maybe that's why I get pushed around so much.. maybe that's why people don't take me seriously.. maybe that's why.. you do this to me..

Soon, i will die. I've been trying so hard to try to understand what you are going through. Honestly I don't think I will ever be able to understand it. Not until you are willing to open up to me..

I don't know what did I do to deserve this treatment.. it feels as if you're pushing me away.. it hurts.. it hurts a lot.. I hate this feeling so much.. everytime I think about it, it feels as if my heart has been ripped apart. Shattered into pieces. All that I want is for you to forget all the unhappy past.. yet you can't seem to forget it.. it seems that you're drifting further and further away from me.. that you're gradually becoming harder to reach.. I guess I will never be as close to you as they are.. Never good enough.. I tried. So hard only to fail and fall even harder each time and get so hurt and lost. Right now, I think I cannot feel even physical pain anymore. What's flesh pain compared to what I'm experiencing now? That's nothing. Seriously.. I think I can shot myself in the head and feel nothing. Nothing. As the days pass, it seems that I'm getting ignored more.. getting left alone in a corner by myself more.. I really wonder if you notice it.. it's like I get ignored when I text. Get ignored on msn. Am i really that easy to forget? That easy to ignore? What if, one day I disappear from the world. Would you forget me so easily? The very thought of it hurts. I really am that worthless and unimportant huh? One day. One day soon I will leave everything that I have behind me. When the day comes. It will all be too late. I know I said that I wouldn't leave you alone but.. it really hurts me so much when it feels like you are leaving me.. I just.. don't know how to make you happy anymore.. I wish I knew how to.. maybe. maybe if i were to get into n accident, you'd notice me more.. maybe I should try that.

Please.. i really want to know how you feel so please don't lie

It hurts me to see you hurting so much and i can't do anything about it because i have no idea why.. or how..

Hopefully all this is just me over reacting.. but i have a feeling that chances are it isn't...

Remember this always. I'll be right here if you should need anyone to talk to about anything. Forever~ ♥